Weird beards

Facial hair…to be…or not to look like a rapist?
Really, does this even need to be considered in a civilised society? And there is the truth of our understanding of a society in the early 21st century. If were honest and I don’t know why we should suddenly start now but bear with me, actually bare with me if you have any manners, class, dignity.
Too fast too soon?
That’s what I’m talking about. In a modern, civilised society I think we all know that beards and especially the long unkempt variety, tend to lean towards the eugh, ‘have you washed this year.. Or EVER’ end of the weirdie spectrum.
It’s the likes of fatty, ugly Guy Garvey of Elbow fame, the indie fuckwits, the metal kid grown-a-chin-beard-so-long-it-can-be-plaited fuckwits, the revolting can’t-be-assed-to-keep-on-top-of-it fuckscuk that somehow seem to have become acceptable but how? How did this happen? Who said it’s okay because it plainly isn’t!
Why aren’t women demanding these people do something about this unsightly abhorrence? Fucks sake I thought we were over this revolting practise but lately there’s been another outbreak like men are reverting back to some codified way of asserting their masculinity because society has somehow belittled the little luvvies;…t…t…tic.
Saying that, now that there seems to be a trend for American small time models to get male tattoos across their chests I suppose men might be starting to feel vaguely threatened, even I feel threatened by that; well, more grossed out but what do I know, maybe it’s cool? Doubt it but maybe?

It’s probably just me gone and got the wrong end of the stick as usual but I assumed that as a society became more civilised, less backwoods, less reverential towards those ancient visions of our ancestors who obviously didn’t have the facilities to maintain a polite visage, that the facial hair of old would disappear along with the revolting pubis of 1970’s hippy women, underarm hair of the French ladeees, the top lip Armageddon of some, ahem, darker-skinned ladeees, the religious-freak beard, the disgusting Freddie moustache, in fact any allusion to some ridiculous affectation towards manliness that facial hair used to be a signifier of in the bad old days. Bloody ridiculous, men no more need facial hair to assert their manhood than ladeees need miniskirts or heels, or both, to assert their femininity.
This is not the 1970’s, sorry everyone but we’ve moved on, or should have.
I say, women, ASSERT your right to fungus free men. Don’t put up with it, don’t allow men to scare your children with their revolting, repulsive laziness. You have to pluck, primp and shave so make the lardass do the same. Okay I accept that a lot of the pretend teddy bears out there who have this hideous mess hanging off their chins have probably never been closer than a bus seat width to a real, live, breathing, ladee due to their hygiene and halitosis problems but the weak and gullible ones that have somehow ended up with these freaks need to stand up for themselves and everyone else’s rights. If you have a member of your family who insists on bearding up; have a word, and fuck polite: TELL them!
“You’re ugly; you smell; you look stupid; you repulse women; your Freddie moustache only attracts men, if that’s what you wanted, fine, but if not you know what to do.”
Finally, once and for all let’s bin this disgusting old-world hideousness where it belongs, in the history books, and look forward to a shining society where the occasional five o’clock shadow is a punching offence and we can employ our police as an anti-Taliban enforcement task-force who remove and forcibly shave the lazy single pig-men who let the rest of us down.

I do believe a tolerance for ‘comedy’ teenage mistakes can be allowed but if someone doesn’t get rid of MOvember there will be bloodshed.
Don’t they get that it’s named that because a gayboy invented it, HO-mo-vember? Fucking idiots. Gays? yep, fine but if you’re not gay why are you copying one for a month you fuckwit?
Get a personality and think for yourself.
If you want to give to charity do so but don’t walk round upsetting the rest of England looking like an ass for fucks sake!!

So, rant over, you know what you have to do.
Go forth; spread the word.
Women; assert your right to a beard-free world.
Fat men; you are NOT a teddy bear. You WILL NOT become more attractive with a beard. Lose weight, shave, wear deodorant EVERY day you ass.
Gay men; actually, if you want a Freddie I suppose you have every right but you will look a complete dick.

Thank you for your patience.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s